No wonder I couldn't find the condoms, they weren't with the other party supplies.

Sex ed was a requirement in high school and no matter how troubling the images of STD's mounted on human genitals were , I  have ignored the warning signs and the usual rant about "Don't Do It". Aside from knowing how to put a condom on a banana and that the clinic gives out condoms that resemble chewing gum, I am guilty of not following mom and dad's orders. Now that I have children of my own this fear of sex talk and diseases is scaring the crap out of me. I can see myself now "Oh Miranda those are just balloons", as I blow into one that now takes on the shape of a massive hotdog.

My son already has talks of girlfriends in the first grade which by the way stemmed from kindergarten. He has grown from telling me about the little girl that blew him kisses during lunch to telling me in first grade how beautiful his teacher is. I am in big trouble and hell has come back to give me paybacks for what I put my parents through. " I woke-up and puked one morning in high school and six years later I have a handsome son who is a chick magnet and an admirer of older women, let's face it here I'm screwed. Not to mention my daughter. Tony's friends and relatives are quick to point out to him "Now that's your little girl, own  gun yet?" I don't feel that it would be child abuse to lock them both in a closet, but lets state the obvious here..who wants to hear " I told you so", or " Paybacks", when they are suppose to be enjoying their old age? I'm gonna invest in a Tic-Tac container filled with birth control for my daughter and tell her it's candy and convince my son that he is much cuter with pants that lock in order to protect my children. It's not child abuse, teens are getting paid by MTV to be knocked up now and you know the parents are sitting up there saying "You better pay me for airing your stupidity on TV".